Perfection?

Perfection and I are going to battle.

The Perfect Son?
Ever since my parents divorced when I was 11 I wanted to be the perfect son. I saw what my Mom went through. I remember her having to go back to work and I felt responsible for my two younger siblings. I wanted to keep the house clean and have dinner ready so when she came home exhausted she didn't have to worry about it. Maybe its part of being the oldest. I always tried to do the right thing, never go into trouble. Always tried to be perfect.

The Perfect Brother?
My younger sister and I would fight a lot. I know she hated me for many years. I could see the path she was going down and just wanted to help her. I just didn't know how. I remember the phone ringing at 3 in the morning and going to the hospital alone because she had got into some trouble. I love her and I wish I could have done more. I always tried to be the perfect brother.

The Perfect Man?
I pretty much don't have a father. I have a buddy that talks to me about the Jazz. I was lucky in some aspects because I could forge what it meant for me to be a man. I could pick qualities that I admired and attempt to emulate them. However, these men were great for whatever reason and I set my expectations of myself a little high. After the divorce I remember feeling ashamed of my father, I don't recall why. I've had some shitty men come in contact with my life as well as some great ones. I have always tried to be a perfect man.

The Perfect Student?
I have always done reasonably well in school. Now I find myself in a higher education instatution that is difficult to say the least. One of the benefits is that it has shattered any idea of perfection. I have done mediocre on some assignments and I have beat the shit out of myself for it. However, I am doing the best I can with what I have and it is enough. I am enough without being perfect. It is more than good enough to make some mistakes and be ok with them. School reinforces this idea because sometimes you are just wrong, everyone does it. I didn't realize I had such a perfection complex until I kept getting my ass kicked in school. Something has to change. I'll be ok even if I put my guts into it and get D's my first year. Sometimes I feel that I've missed out or whatever because I was too afraid to make a mistake.

"Just because I make mistakes doesn't mean I'm not perfect." Yen